Mass Effect - Christmas Carols
by Normannorus
Summary: This is a collection of classic Christmas tales and carols re-adapted into the Mass Effect universe.
1. Twas the night before Christmas

**********Author's note: First out is a remake of the classic poem "Twas the night before Christmas" written by Clement Clark Moore (or Major Henry Livingston Jr depending on who you ask), in a Mass Effect setting. ****This is my first published fanfiction, so I hope you will have some lenience with possible shortcomings. Since many of the stories are based on poems, the grammar might have suffered at some places to keep the rhyme flowing. If you have a better suggestion on some rhymes, by all means let me know so I might improve your experience reading it.**

**************Disclaimer: Mass Effect is a product of Bioware, and every story and carol used here are all originally written by someone else, and I will write the original author at the beginning of each story.  
**

**************Enjoy and happy holiday!  
**

* * *

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Citadel Space

Not a Keeper was stirring, not even an Asari's eternal embrace

The Beacons were placed at the planets with care

In hopes the Enkindlers would soon be there

The crew were nestled all snug in their beds

While visions of jelly-fished hanar danced through their heads

And Normandy in her sheets, and I in my cap

Had just settled in for an FTL nap

When out in the space arouse such a clatter

I sprang from my cabin to see what was the matter

Away to port observation I flew like a flash

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash

The stars' shining light on the nebula cloud

Gave the lustre of midday to particles below

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear

But a miniature reaper and six of his ilk toward us would steer

With a little odd driver, steering the span

I knew in a moment it must be the Illusive Man

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name

"Now, Sovereign! Now, Harbinger! Now, Leviathan and Derelict!

On, other unnamed machines, whom so many sentient have snared and tricked!

To the top of the ship, that used to be mine!

Now dash away! Dash away! All in an orderly line!"

As dry leaves before the hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

They flew to the ship as if it was naught but a landing pad

With a load full of husks, and things best left unsaid

And then in a twinkling, against the physical laws

I heard on the roof, the scratching and pawing of metallical claws

As I drew back my head, and got back to my room,

Down the pressure hull, Illusive man came down with a boom

He was dressed in his usual attire, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with frost and galactical soot

A bundle of Reaper tubes came from his back,

And he looked like a husk, his humanity was a lack

His eyes – how they twinkled! So ominous and not in particular merry!

His cheeks were synthetic, his breath stale of sherry!

His voice was dark and deprived of all joy

And I knew this was all part of Harbinger's ploy

The stump of a cigarette he held tight in his teeth

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

He was smaller than I had thought

Wondering if this was all that he brought

He was thin and short, an evil little elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself,

An angry flash of his eyes and a twist of his head

Soon let me know I should have reasons to dread

He snarled and gave me the Intel, that between only us two

He was in control, and no one was telling him what to do

With that said his business was done,

And he left through the hatch, from which he had come,

He sprang to the Reapers, telling them to ascend

They still had many others, a message of death and destruction to send

But I heard him exclaim, as to an end was his role

"Happy Christmas to all, and releasing control!"


	2. Twelve days of Christmas(Krogan version)

**A/N: Most of you have probably heard the carol "Twelve days of Christmas". No one knows who the mastermind behind it was, but it was first published in England 1780 and it has been suggested that it has French origins.  
**

* * *

This carol is performed by the Battlemaster Draup Choir from Clan Quash on Tuchanka:  
-

On the first day of Christmas

My Battlemaster sent to me

A smashed pyjak in a pear tree  
-

On the second day of Christmas

My Battlemaster sent to me

Two Claymore guns

And a smashed pyjak in a pear tree  
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On the third day of Christmas

My Battlemaster sent to me

Three human heads

Two Claymore guns

And a smashed pyjak in a pear tree  
-

On the fourth day of Christmas

My Battlemaster sent to me

Four Varren pups

Three human heads

Two Claymore guns

And a smashed pyjak in a pear tree  
-

On the fifth day of Christmas

My Battlemaster sent to me

Five Blood pack rings

Four Varren pups

Three human heads

Two Claymore guns

And a smashed pyjak in a pear tree  
-

On the sixth day of Christmas

My Battlemaster sent to me

Six Turians a-decaying

Five Blood Pack rings

Four Varren pups

Three human heads

Two Claymore guns

And a smashed pyjak in a pear tree  
-

On the seventh day of Christmas

My Battlemaster sent to me

Seven Rachnis a-burning

Six Turians a-decaying

Five Blood pack rings

Four Varren pups

Three human heads

Two Claymore guns

And a smashed pyjak in a pear tree  
-

On the eighth day of Christmas

My Battlemaster sent to me

Eight Salarians a-screaming

Seven Rachnis a-burning

Six Turians a-decaying

Five Blood pack rings

Four Varren pups

Three human heads

Two Claymore guns

And a smashed pyjak in a pear tree  
-

On the ninth day of Christmas

My Battlemaster sent to me

Nine Krants a-marching

Eight Salarians a-screaming

Seven Rachnis a-burning

Six Turians a-decaying

Five Blood pack rings

Four Varren pups

Three human heads

Two Claymore guns

And a smashed pyjak in a pear tree  
-

On the tenth day of Christmas

My Battlemaster sent to me

Ten New homeworlds

Nine Krants a-marching

Eight Salarians a-screaming

Seven Rachnis a-burning

Six Turians a-decaying

Five Blood pack rings

Four Varren pups

Three human heads

Two Claymore guns

And a smashed pyjak in a pear tree  
-

On the eleventh day of Christmas

My Battlemaster sent to me

Eleven fertile females

Ten New homeworlds

Nine Krants a-marching

Eight Salarians a-screaming

Seven Rachnis a-burning

Six Turians a-decaying

Five Blood pack rings

Four Varren pups

Three human heads

Two Claymore guns

And a smashed pyjak in a pear tree  
-

On the twelfth day of Christmas

My Battlemaster sent to me

Twelve barrels a-ryncol

Eleven fertile females

Ten New homeworlds

Nine Krants a-marching

Eight Salarians a-screaming

Seven Rachnis a-burning

Six Turians a-decaying

Five Blood pack rings

Four Varren pups

Three human heads

Two Claymore guns

And a smashed pyjak in a pear tree


	3. The Reaper who stole Christmas

**Author's note: Next up is an adaptation of Dr. Seuss' "The Grinch who stole Christmas" from 1957.  
**

* * *

Every human

In the Citadel Space

Liked Christmas a lot…  
-

But the Reapers

Who lived in the darkness of space

Did not!  
-

They hated everything that was of organical making

But every once in a while, it was theirs for the taking

But among the thoughts they shared with each other

The prospect of Christmas was the major bother

Neither the Protheans nor those before, could find the reason

Behind the feverish hatred for the annual Christmas season

We could have found out in the third Mass Effect end

But an illogical ghost child was all they would send

No matter the reasons

Be it hearts two sizes too small, or shoes far too tight

There they were, with the holiday preparations in sight

Staring from the dark space, with a sour, reapery frown

Sharing a collective wish to burn it all down

For they knew that wherever in the Galaxy they could see

Humans were wishing happy holiday and bringing the tree  
-

"And they're hanging their stockings!" they concluded with fear,

"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"

Then they growled, with their reaper tentacles nervously drumming.

"We must find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"

For, tomorrow, they knew…  
-

… All the human girls and boys

Would wake up bright and early and rush for their toys

And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!

That's one thing they hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!  
-

Then the humans, young and old, would sit down to a feast.

And they'd feast! And they'd feast!

And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!

They would start on plum-pudding, and recently slaughtered prize-beast

Which was something the Reapers couldn't stand in the least!  
-

And THEN

They'd do something the Reapers liked least of all!

Every human throughout space, the tall and the small,

Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.

They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the humans would start singing!  
-

They'd sing! And they'd sing!

AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!

And the more the Reapers thought of the Christmas-Sing

The more the Reapers thought, "We must stop this whole thing!

"Why for fifty-thousand years we've put up with it now!

We MUST stop Christmas from coming!

...But HOW?"  
-

As they debated back and forth

Whether to use stealth or simply bring the torch

One named Sovereign got an idea!

An awful idea!

The Reaper Sovereign

Got a wonderful, awful idea!  
-

"I know just what to do!" Sovereign thought in his mind

Making a turn and leaving the others behind

He set his personal husks to make a reaper sized Santy Claus hat and a coat

Making it a bonus to know who after his cunning plan would be scape goat  
-

With his cunning camouflage done

A metallic Santa Clause on at least ten thousand ton

He set his course for the center of all the merry and mirth

The homeworld of the humans, commonly known as Earth  
-

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.

All the humans were all dreaming sweet dreams without care

As Sovereign after his journey finally touched down

In a particularly disgustingly Christmassy little town  
-

But he soon found that despite his cunning Santa Clause Wig

To squeeze down the chimney he was a million sizes too big

He turned and twisted, contemplated and thought

Until he finally found the answer he eagerly sought  
-

He was too large and too wide to go by himself

But a human-sized husk would make a perfect elf

He dressed his minions in green little tunics and other gears

Such as candy cane pants, toppy green hats and pointed elf ears  
-

There they were, his private elf brigade

Ready to set out on their mischievous trade

He ordered, "Enter their houses and take all that you see,

From presents and stockings to cookies and Christmas tree."  
-

Out his disturbed little helpers set on their Christmas stealing spree

Entering through the chimneys to remove the human holiday glee

Presents, lights and nativity scenes all disappeared without pause

Even the milk and cookies left by little Annie for the real Santa Clause  
-

So smug and pleased Sovereign monitored with an evil reapery smile

As his minions gathered their loot inside him in a large treasure pile

"Pooh-pooh to the humans!" he was reaper-ish-ly humming.

"They'll find out soon that no Christmas is coming!

"When they wake up, I know just what they'll do!

"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two

"Then all the men down here on Earth will all cry BOO-HOO!"  
-

So occupied he was to praise his own cunning

That he failed to see what was coming

A husky elf had gotten its paws on a particular pad

A complete collection of Christmas carols it had  
-

But the clumsy husk slipped when inside the big bad machine

And the pad ended up where it should never have been

It smashed against the Reapers AI and caused something dire

Namely that Sovereign's systems all went haywire  
-

All his dark Reaper thoughts were drenched in a stream

Of Jingle Bells and Bing Crosby's White Christmas dream

Sovereign cringed, "My own reapery mind I cannot hear."

Instead came Andy Williams' _Most Wonderful time of the year_

Then Sovereign stiffened and fell to the ground

And his elf-life husks froze like garden gnomes all around

Some who wasn't even there claim they are right

When they say the carols caused the Reaper's heart to grow three sizes that night  
-

But I know better, and the story just showed

That Sovereign's state was caused by a serious overload

Now there he was, unable to move or for flight

Accompanied only by his mind and _Oh holy night_

The battle had been lost

But the war had not

"At least I have most of their Christmas stockings as my prize"

"And should they get close I still have my indoctrination device."  
-

And so Sovereign spent the night before Christmas day

Unable to sleep thanks to the merry songs of the holiday

And all the time until dawn would finally emerge

He could only think how long it would take his systems to purge  
-

"Finally, soon I will have my reward for this torturous time

When I hear the humans wailing and no bells will chime

Their agony and sadness will be like music to my ears

Instead of all this caroling and "merry Christmas" cheers"  
-

And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.

It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!

Why, this sound sounded merry!

It couldn't be so!

But it WAS merry! VERY!  
-

Every human in the town, the tall and the small,

Was singing! Without any presents at all!

He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!

IT CAME!

Somehow or other, it came just the same!  
-

When the humans awoke, they had been surprised

To see that their Christmas things had been demised

But Christmas had come, and that was all they cared for

They pulled on their coats and walked out the door  
-

Judge by the sensation for what they then did behold

A marvelous decorated spacecraft out in the cold

Not long they added one and one and two and two

The disappearance of their belongings with this had something to do  
-

What miracles had Christmas been at while they slept?

And slowly but steady a crowd towards him crept

Laughing and singing songs with Christmassy themes

If something this had made them even happier it seems  
-

Sovereign watched them approach with revulsion and spite

Again hearing the songs he had endured through the night

But he focused his anger and strengthened his hate

Knowing it would be many to indoctrinate  
-

But alas poor Sovereign, if only he had known

The cruelty the fates towards him had shown

The device that could bend organics to his will and force them to kneeling

The carols' overload had changed it to send out a warm Christmas feeling  
-

When they should have been broken by spirit and mind

A wonderful place for celebration the humans just did find

And so people came from both near and far

Drawn to the Reaper like the Bethlehem star  
-

And so it became that Sovereign the Reaper Beast

Against all his will became the center of a large Christmas feast

And so it continued through the entire holiday

And how much he suffered no one can say  
-

Finally around New Year's Eve

He had enough power to leave

His brethren gathered around him when he got to Dark Space

Probing and asking about his disgrace

"I'm so humiliated and angry that I don't care if I rhyme.

I have but one request: lets start the cycle early this time."


End file.
